Making America Great Again

I hope with all my heart to see this take place. Several years ago I saw and predicted the next president of the United States. I told this to people wherever I went that I really felt Trump was going to win. This was a gut feeling not my politics. After returning to Ohio in 2010, I began to be in shock at the devastation I saw in this great State. I was already getting a glimpse of this driving cross country from California and noticing that people had changed to a very drastic level while I was gone. In 2010, this was my third time to drive cross country; once in the early 90’s, then in 2003 and again in 2010. It was difficult to see this change on the West Coast because I didn’t grow up there and people in that state can convince you of anything.  They believe they are in paradise even though so many live a faux existence on loan by a lot of deep debt. Driving cross country in 2010 I was now seeing franchise after franchise taking advantage of our quality of life and stealing the local man’s hard work and dedication to his restaurant that he had been known for, for decades. I saw people who had given up on local people in favor of fast, quick, predictable junk food and having travelled out of the country, the same processed unlovingly made food around the world.

In Ohio I saw the small beautiful farm and factory towns I grew up around, turned into meth labs. I heard about the rising drug culture here and how the doctors and pharmacists were playing a small role in this. I saw how the inner city, once a small segregated population of Columbus on one side of town, was now on all sides of town. People who once did not need to depend on a house key were now installing alarm systems, buying large dogs, and they were talking about their guns as if they were a pet but really a crutch to make them believe they were safe. I saw tagging in small neighborhoods that once were nice decent places to live. I feared that soon we would see bars on the windows and doors, just as I saw in Oakland and Baltimore, MD.

I saw locally a political system that has no term limits which creates a lack of democracy and a dependence on pretense of small victories. The only thing people could tell me that their mayor had done for them was give them a park to walk in downtown – after 20 years. On a national scale I began to open my eyes to the destruction of Made in China, created by Clinton and saw documentary after documentary and began to piece together for myself how the working class person’s lives were in such great ruin in America. Yet the Chinese are upwardly mobile to the U.S. with all the fortunes the company executives were bestowing on their children thanks to our country giving away our own families economy. Locally I am seeing young guys begging for money on the streets, a sight I never once saw growing up in Columbus. These guys are fewer than 30 years of age, who no doubt are unable to pass drug tests, but most likely a product of parents who gave up after losing factory job after factory job.

 I saw how this Obamacare insurance policy not only ignored the recession but also how it created havoc for the average person. Entrepreneurs like myself, who have to pay for their own insurance policy and hoped to get a great system. The mockery of us as a people, ensuring that this was going to be a good thing for us and then learning it was worse than what we had before. Leading us on into a second presidency as the insurance policy did not take place until after that time and then learning what it really meant. Huge unrealistic deductibles and paying 100% until you met them. Medication, in my case, that went from $30 to $700 so that I had to fight hard to find alternative measures. Finally, when tax season rolled around, the entrepreneur is punished for making more money than expected. As a result healthcare.gov comes after you for the discount; thereby making your profit less. For a one person company this is a financial upset that follows you into the next year.

Of course listening to my clients from all levels in these big companies here in our city, I began to see a pattern. The employee is expendable. From the executive down to the phone rooms, I learn about businesses that at one time cared and nurtured their staff, rewarded them for their hard work and then one by one cut back and took away every reason they had to get up in the morning. With the greediness of big corporations, seeing the increase in profits because of outsourcing, they began doing whatever they could to make even more money. Lowering their work ethics, sending mixed messages to the employees, rewarding those who played games rather than stood strong and determined, all to get rid of the larger paid for weak minded cheap labor that is easy to find. Even their customers are no longer people they care about. Why should they when the customer will easily be replaced by someone else. Or, why care when the company holds a virtual monopoly on the product and know people don’t have a choice in the long run. I hear stories of wonderful hard working, dedicated; loyal people who after decades were let go or suddenly given made up reasons by HR to put them on written reprimands which used to be a reason to re-train and now are a used to antagonize and destroy.  The cliché “it is their word against ours.” In my generation 40+, after being let go after years of dedication have a difficult time finding new employment. My own generation weakened by computers that hire people instead of human beings. Amongst my friends, so many unemployed trying to create businesses, using retirement money, taking jobs they don’t want just to make it through the year.

All of these things lead to value systems in the family unit being destroyed. A rise in the use of substances, a continued decline in long term marriages, people creating children to self-soothe their own inner wounds and as a result more and more children raised by one parent. This is creating children raised to feel entitled because they are soothed by guilty parents who give in to their demands because they are too tired to deal with the child’s confusion and frustrations in life. The kids are often pacified by toys and the internet (which replaced the television) and not being taught the value of a dollar or the importance of hard work and education. As a result they don’t feel a need to work, when they get money on the streets, or can become an expendable employee going from job to job without any repercussions. In some cases I am seeing young boys depending on girlfriends as substitutes for mothers, now expecting these young girls to continue pandering to their entitled lifestyle. Young girls than continue the cycle by not using birth control, hoping a baby will change him or get him to love them. Hoping the baby will give them the love they never found at home growing up.

In a modern society for women, fashion has now become about selling the self to whoever will take it. Girls wear skirts only a few inches under private areas with nothing underneath and walk on stilts of 4-6” with their breasts hanging very closely to the exits of tank tops or very low cut pieces of fabric stitched together to form a covering. If not this, they are in jeans that have holes in them because fashion designers have just created the newest look in what to do with dungarees and flip flops. Clothing once worn by miners and farmers are now the most needed staple fabric in America. This is the best we can expect right now and no one seems to complain. We are seeing very low standards in dress that are accepted now in many companies or big corporations that once expected good work ethics and were known for their policies on dress. Now that they are expendable, the company really doesn’t care what they look like. They are going to get rid of them next week, month, or year anyway.

It makes sense that many people in this country wanted to see a better America. Having been raised by working class people who held me to higher standards and taught me good work ethics and the value of a dollar, and knowing and trusting that most of the people I grew up with, from my generation heard the same, I knew our country was desperate for change. I knew they were holding these thoughts in silence, afraid of being politically incorrect, having to hide with friends in dimly lit areas to talk about their fears their frustrations yet online pretending to go along with the flow. The faux sense of socialization and temporary fame garnered from ridiculous ploys online to take advantage of those exercising freedom of speech because it didn’t measure up to their own worldview. A message was sent yesterday. It was a terribly close divide of our country though and will take time to heal from. Major change always takes time to heal and grow. This is a time to break down the political system and re-look at what to do next. It is not going to simply happen overnight and an inexperienced average person (meaning non-political) will be taught quickly and make mistakes along the way. We have a lot more fights ahead of us, people who don’t want change, who don’t want to give up their power, who have enjoyed taking advantage of people, enjoyed being greedy at the expense of so many. It is a scary time right now because of all of this. I am scared because it is a huge change and I don’t know how people are going to react to this and I assume they will try to take it out on others. I am not scared of the person running the country now but of the enemies who will be focused on collapsing this new system and will use the Internet and our country and our world to vindicate their feelings and cause people to join in. The election, more than anything, should show us how disturbing the Internet can be to our sense of right and wrong. Of course I had already seen this in families that I serve because it is destroying them. While there are some good and useful ways of being helped by the Internet, it is getting less and less easier to find them and much more likely you will find the destroyers instead.

As with every presidency that have shocked our systems in the past, and we have lived through it to tell, we must be patient, trust, give it a chance and try to think about the possibilities that could come from this. It is a historical moment and would have been no matter who might have won. Instead of attacking and going on the defense, think about what we can learn. Let’s come together and be a positive part of this change by questioning (because you want to learn) and listening.  How will this change our lives? Where will be in four years? What plans can you make for your future? Take time to contemplate rather than react.

No Caretaker Needed in a Healthy Relationship

Many times people talk about being a caretaker in their relationship. They want to change their partner. They aren’t doing enough in the relationship. I try to turn this around by asking a simple question, “Are they worrying this much about you? Do they feel they are not doing enough in the relationship? Do they feel a need to take care of you?” Often the answer is going to be no. When there is a caretaker in the relationship, this means the couple has fallen apart and now someone is desperately trying to pick up the pieces and salvage what is left. There is no unity or a sense of “we,” in a couple, if only one person is dedicated to the partnership. In this case you have two individuals going in separate directions. If you are trying to be someone’s caretaker, it is probably time to end the relationship.

When two people meet and take the time to get to know one another, not by jumping in bed and declaring they are soul mates, instead they begin toward a healthy relationship that is fueled by conversation rather than sex. This does not mean there is no sex or passion as many people tend to confuse. It means that you are interested in what each other has to say and you respect one another’s opinions. It means that when you have a difference of opinion you are still able to be respectful of your partner. It means that you allow the other person a voice.  It means that you know and respect each other’s boundaries. It means that you share the same values and beliefs. When these things occur then you begin to explore intimacy and it is so much the better because you have generated a lot of excitement for your partner. Does anyone really love to have sex with someone that does not have respect for them? Or can you be passionate about someone you can’t even have a conversation with? An orgasm is a waste of time if you are then sobbing into your pillow once your partner has fallen asleep (or worse, left to go home). If you are just out to have sex, that is one thing but be clear what you want in life. Whatever you choose, make sure you can live with your choices, don’t make it the other person’s problem (also, be clear about your choice up front). If he/she doesn’t agree with you, then they aren’t willing to play your game, it doesn’t make them wrong. It is not okay to set up vulnerable people.

Conversation doesn’t mean that you have told your partner your deep dark secrets and so now they owe you. Your partner isn’t your therapist and there is a difference between sharing childhood abuse or family drama vs. sharing who you are, right now. What is more important in a relationship building process is that you talk about the type of person you are. For example: what motivates you, what do you enjoy doing in your leisure time, what type of friends do you have, what are your goals for the future? A new relationship is not going to understand how to handle the trauma in your past until they have a solid foundation with you. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t come clean on mental health issues. For example: “I don’t drink, I am a recovering alcoholic.” That sentence is a mouthful. It already covers the meaning of I don’t drink. This doesn’t open the door to re-telling how you hit bottom and what your last 10 years have been like on the bottle or being sober. It could mean this though if your partner says “I am too,” and then proceeds to ask “How did you do it.” If they don’t, leave it and be comfortable that you have gotten this part off your chest. Never lie to anyone about anything but save the therapy conversation for a rainy day when your partner asks. Saying too much too soon is a sure way to end a relationship. This is because someone is being set up to be a caretaker and many times people are willing and this spells disaster. You are beginning the process by saying “I need help,” instead of saying “I am ready to share my life with someone.”

Two people can have a healthy relationship, even if they have had a hell of a life. First, they need to get into therapy and deal with this trauma. No, (1) you can’t fix it yourself and (2) a relationship is not your therapist. Love will not save you from a dad who harmed you in some way or your mental health condition. Love is not really happening if you are merely trying to save someone. That is your ego saying to you “If I love them enough…” Ego and love are an oxymoron. Second, you have to know what you want in life. It isn’t as simple as “I want a nice Christian…” Lots of religious people have been known to be abusive, alcoholic, drug addicts, and just plain jerks. But guess what, they thought they were a good Christian person or whatever religion because they were in denial about their vice or issue of concern. You have to really be grounded in what you do want from a person and what to look for when you see it. Be careful with admiring role models. You don’t really know what they are really like behind closed doors. Thirdly, you have to know how to present yourself when you meet this person. This doesn’t mean you find out that you have shared values on a first date, have a great conversation about it and then jump into bed. Again, you are not soul mates. You are just horny and happened to meet someone who was too. A person who gives up their body too easily is going to be seen as someone who has no self-respect. Sure, they slept with you too but that doesn’t mean they should now be in a commitment with you. You can’t blame the other party in a situation like this either.  If you both do choose to fall into a relationship and move in, etc… etc… don’t be surprised when it falls apart after the honeymoon is over.

Be a person who is the person you state that you are. Act like a professional when you get to know someone. This doesn’t mean you can’t flirt but have some patience. Don’t take them into your home right away. Don’t even drive with them (which will make the situation much easier). Keep your dates personal and in the field (vs. at home). Get to know their families and friends but again, be cautious about how much to say about the family or friends. Don’t set your partner up before they have even gotten a chance to get to know them. Be sparse with details. For example: My dad can be a bit controlling with my mom or my brother and I are not really close. Instead of saying “My dad has been in and out of jail three times now for domestic violence,” or “My brother molested me when we were kids.” A partner who is respectful of you is not going to choose sides and say “Well, he sure seemed like a good guy to me.” This is because a healthy partner would understand that you have a better grip on your family members than they do.

Now, how about someone who is reading this and did seem to do all the right things in the beginning but ended up in a bad place nonetheless? A healthy relationship has to work at continuing down this path and this means that you continue working together as a team throughout your lifetime together. If someone starts going off on their own, as in picks up the bottle, has an affair, becomes abusive, then the relationship is no longer a healthy relationship.  A healthy relationship is one where no one “takes their eye off the ball,” so to speak. Yes, it is hard work but so is owning a horse, living on a farm, keeping your luxury car in good shape, or running a business. If you don’t look out for either of these things, they will die or fall apart. It is no different with a relationship.

To recap, a healthy relationship that is nurtured over time is one where you (quoting the Gottman method directly now) – have started with trust and commitment and then:

  1. Get to know one another’s world,
  2. Share fondness and admiration,
  3. Turn toward instead of away,
  4. Keep a positive perspective,
  5. Manage your conflict by a. find relevance in what each of you have to say, b. self-soothing, c. dialogue about problems,
  6. Make each other’s life dreams come true; and
  7. Create shared meaning.

If you want to learn more about a healthy relationship, I recommend reading “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver. I also recommend reading “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. If you want to meet someone to have this relationship with then be patient, set your boundaries, trust your instincts, know what you want and then, when you meet this person, take your time to get to know them. To be on the safe side, wait a few months before becoming intimate, don’t move in until you have spent at least a year getting to know them and only then, move in for love not convenience. Don’t move forward at all if you have any doubts whatsoever – they won’t change with a bigger commitment.  Finally, only get married because you love someone and the two of you have gone over your idea of what being married means and can agree on this. I definitely recommend pre-marital counseling with a therapist or at your place of worship. Don’t have children until you have gotten married and have waited at least 3-5 years. Children don’t need desperate parents. They need parents who have nurtured their relationship as a married couple and are again clear (and have discussed) that it is the right time to move forward.

A good business plan is necessary to have a successful company. Once the doors are open you have to keep on top of your firm by having good communication with all of your employees, from top to bottom. The business is not YOU, it is all of them plus your product and your customers. Each year you have to continue to look back as well as focus on the future. What do you need to do differently in order to continue this success in the changing times?

A relationship requires a plan too. You can’t just run out there and start a partnership. Take your time, focus on what it is you want and then don’t second guess yourself. Get back together each year and re-commit yourselves to the year ahead. If there have been problems, tackle them head on. Don’t wait ten years to then decide to see a therapist. Continue to create new goals for each year and help support each other in making these dreams a reality.  A cute person is not so cute when they turn out to be someone who you knew was wrong from the beginning. A cute person that you have gotten to know and taken your time to build a relationship with becomes very handsome and more interesting over time.

Being a Myers-Briggs T vs. F Woman

Thinking Woman 2No matter how modern our world becomes, being a Thinker (T in the Myers-Briggs) vs. an F (Feelings in the MB) woman is difficult. My local teacher Stephen Weed, stated it best when he told me that “Men are not allowed to be F’s and Women are not allowed to be T’s.” We were talking about the corporate world and why my being an ESTJ (which is the MB acronym for corporate America) didn’t bode very well there. However, I have found that it doesn’t sit well at all, whether at work or play. Since studying the Myers-Briggs, with both Stephen and his mother, I have begun realizing that many of the women amongst my clientele are also T’s. I have begun to open a dialogue about this, with them. It is hard to find a man, it is hard to find female friends (unless they too are T’s). Long ago I myself used to say that I did better with male friends than female. I now understand why, because I am not an F. The typical woman is into baby/wedding showers, shopping, painting their nails, overdrawing their checking account, you know the one. I am being funny here by stereotyping but I know many women, who are “F’s” would say “What’s wrong with that?” And there isn’t unless you are a T and just don’t get into these things. Now, when I hear female clients or friends saying they too seem to get along better with male friends, I know they are a T.”

Here’s a quick lesson from the Myers & Briggs Foundation website, to give you a better understanding, if you haven’t taken your test yet!

Thinking (T)

When I make a decision, I like to find the basic truth or principle to be applied, regardless of the specific situation involved. I like to analyze pros and cons, and then be consistent and logical in deciding. I try to be impersonal, so I won’t let my personal wishes–or other people’s wishes–influence me.

The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I enjoy technical and scientific fields where logic is important.
  • I notice inconsistencies.
  • I look for logical explanations or solutions to most everything.
  • I make decisions with my head and want to be fair.
  • I believe telling the truth is more important than being tactful.
  • Sometimes I miss or don’t value the “people” part of a situation.
  • I can be seen as too task-oriented, uncaring, or indifferent.

Feeling (F)

I believe I can make the best decisions by weighing what people care about and the points-of-view of persons involved in a situation. I am concerned with values and what is the best for the people involved. I like to do whatever will establish or maintain harmony. In my relationships, I appear caring, warm, and tactful.

The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I have a people or communications orientation.
  • I am concerned with harmony and nervous when it is missing.
  • I look for what is important to others and express concern for others.
  • I make decisions with my heart and want to be compassionate.
  • I believe being tactful is more important than telling the “cold” truth.
  • Sometimes I miss seeing or communicating the “hard truth” of situations.
  • I am sometimes experienced by others as too idealistic, mushy, or indirect.

Adapted from Looking at Type: The Fundamentals by Charles R. Martin (CAPT 1997)

By now, you probably have figured out whether you are a T or an F woman (or man). The workplace goes without saying. Women aren’t supposed to think. We are meant to be in Human Resources, Secretaries, Administrative Assistants, or Assistant to someone, the one taking care of people. I have been in all of these positions at one point in my life, prior to getting my master’s in psychology. When I was reviewed by my boss, the VP of Store Planning at the now defunct May Company (circa 1988), he told me that he couldn’t help me transfer into the buyer’s department (even though I had my degree in Fashion Merchandising from FIDM) because he didn’t know anyone there. He told me my best option was to take shorthand and try and become the Secretary to the President. He actually was very good friends with the head buyer for one of the departments, though this goes without saying – he was a VP. The only step up from here was President. My best friend, who ironically is an F, was paid off by the same company because she was starting to have a family. She was an architect but enjoyed the money and then went on to be a teacher for Special Needs kids. There are tons of other stories I could share, from other companies but they haven’t gone out of business yet.

With men, they are often threatened by a “T.” In today’s generation they are happy for the woman to do the thinking, work so they can sit at home and play video games, clean the house, and mow the lawn, while they continue to play video games. In my generation, well, now they are looking for younger women who are vulnerable and need a daddy to watch over them. It isn’t hopeless though. I have known a number of intellectual men who preferred someone they could actually have a conversation with. Not the narcissistic men, I have mentioned on here before, they are “the best” so they don’t need an equal. Instead, a mentally healthy man who is looking for a woman who is bright, articulate, interesting, strong, and has it together. Not all men want a woman who is like the one I described above, or an F, in general.

The problem is that we “T’s” tend to be impatient. We watch all our “F” counterparts getting married and having kids. This is because they are more compassionate of the men they marry. Thinking women don’t put up with a heck of a lot. We are more likely to say “Hasta la vista!” Thinking women just don’t have patience for men who sit around playing video games, are narcissistic, want you to put up with their bad habits, want you to mold your life around theirs, etc… We are women who are career minded, own our own homes, have stock, but best of all, we can solve our own problems. Of course, this doesn’t mean we haven’t stuck it out for too long with someone who we should have broken up with the first day we met them. Trust your instincts ladies! That is because, since we are women, we are held to stereotypes and, at a young age, find that family and peer pressure can be difficult to overcome, as you begin your path into adult world. As you get older, you will find that you are more comfortable being a T, and while you wouldn’t mind finding someone to share your life with, realize it is better to be alone than putting up with. My mother complains that my expectations are too high. It is funny to hear for a Thinker. I can’t imagine not having any expectations at all. I can’t imagine settling either. Does it mean we are more often alone than not. Yep. C’est la vie!

I was thinking it might be interesting to have a dating website that is geared toward a Thinking woman. It certainly would help to weed out all the “My friend’s think I am…” The guys would need to take a questionnaire though, in order to pay for membership. Just in case they got the wrong idea and thought this was a dominatrix website. It is not. We want men who are equals, not men we can control. We want educated men who have careers. It isn’t about having a sense of humor but being able to watch a foreign movie and talk about it at length afterward. Sure we like to walk on the beach, but not to stare at the ocean and take selfies. Instead, we think about what is on the other side, what will our future hold, what type of ship is that in the distance, and other interesting things. Going to dinner means you ought to know the meaning of gastronomic delights. We aren’t going to settle for Ponderosa Steak House, which has now become some other dorky franchise. Food is another discussion that you have with the owner of the restaurant. How long has he/she been in business? The salmon crusted potato dish is out of this world, how is it made?  My pet peeve is self-serve food. Who wants to touch something, someone else has touched? Ewwww!! Remember, not everyone washes their hands.

For me, bed and breakfasts are the top of the line when it comes to travelling. I have met some wonderful people this way. I can’t imagine sitting in a hotel where no one knows my name. That might bode well for introverts, who want to hide away in their room with their meal. Not me. What great conversations you can have. You learn about the best restaurants, places to go, neat hiking trails, etc… A couple of times, since I often travel alone, I have attended these places with the owners. Guys who go to B&B’s with you have to really appreciate history, quality, and not trying to save a buck on a budget hotel. As you can see, this type of guy really needs to be conscious of what he is getting into with a Thinking woman. We aren’t high maintenance, just intelligent people who have thought things through. We have boundaries that have been created by growing up and learning from our mistakes.

It won’t be the same for every Thinking woman; I am just giving some personal suggestions here and having some fun with it too. I empathize with my “people” and how sad they feel, especially the younger ones dealing with this generation. The older ones are often new into the world, on the heels of a divorce and starting over. It can be a little scary when you have started out life playing to the mother, your religion, or a narcissistic husband and get stuck in a marriage that drains you. I like to help these Thinking ladies because once I validate their concerns and give them permission to tell me what they have always dreamed of doing, they begin to open up and get re-acquainted with the woman they had once wanted to be. Then they tell me “Hasta la vista!” but in a good way. It doesn’t really take them that long once they realize it is okay. That is due to the fact that they go home after session and do their homework, take time to think about what I said, and put it into practice.

Be kind to us Thinking women. We are movers and shakers! Think of Artemis and Athena, or in modern day (real) society think of Catherine the Great, Gloria Steinem, Michelle Bachelet, Emma Watson, Charlize Theron, Jodie Foster, Margaret Thatcher, Condolezza Rice, and Madeline Albright. I don’t know if they are all Thinking women with Myers-Briggs, but I suspect the majority of them are. Some of these women have had lots of difficulties with men too. It is not that we are trouble makers with men; it is just that we are expected to be these Feelings women and some men don’t know what to do with us. This isn’t a world where it is okay to Think if you are a woman. At the end of the day, we have feelings too.

Growing Up With a Narcissist

Remember back when you were young. Did you often feel as if you were to blame for everything? Was one sibling revered over you (usually this might be the male child)? Did you try to assert your opinions only to see them turned aside with a phrase similar to “What do you know anyway?” Or at times you might hear “It’s always about you isn’t it?” Did you then and do you now feel as if you are desperately trying to get your parents approval for the decisions you make in life, yet never seem to do anything right? It is very possible that you grew up with a Narcissistic Parent.

My original blog article, The Child of the Narcissist was published in 2011 and today has more than 10,000 readers from around the world – and still counting. I published a part two about a month ago and then just recently put together a CD: The Child of the Narcissist – Guided Meditations for Healing. This CD is available on CreateSpace for only $10.99 a great deal for someone looking for something to utilize as an adjunct to therapy.

CD Cover

A Narcissistic Parent robs a young person of their childhood and then makes life difficult when they try to become a parent themselves. It is emotional abuse that you will suffer your entire life until you take your power back, as an adult. A child of a narcissist has a difficult time individuating from the parent and growing up into an adult. How can you when they are continuously keeping you down? If you also suffered physical and sexual trauma from this parent, it is even more difficult to go out into the world and try your best to be a successful person. The tragedy is that as a child of a narcissist, as long as they hold you emotionally hostage, you continue to seek their approval which you will never get.  How do I know all these things? I am not just a psychotherapist but a survivor as well. I took my power back and write about this now on my website jkvegh.com

The Meditations which I recently published on CD through CreateSpace (and soon to come on Amazon) came about as I began to search for a different way to approach clients in the healing process. I am a great believer in  meditation  and will share this with clients. Then one day I sat down and wrote a script for different meditations that might help a person who was a victim of parental narcissism. Having meditated myself for over 30 years, I used my knowledge of guided meditations from Jon Kabat-Zinn and Shakti Gawain and thought about what someone might need to hear as a child of a narcissist.

This is meant to be an adjunct to therapy because, as a professional, I know doing the CD alone will not be enough. You can’t just self-heal with a series of meditations.  Your voice has been blocked and you need to talk and be validated. Make sure you have a therapist whom you are beginning to do work with and have discussed your mother or father with. Of course this might also include other family members too. Whomever you were raised by and considered a parent.

After you listen and participate in the meditations, make sure you have pen/pencil and paper available to do stream of consciousness writing. This is so beneficial to the process as well. A lot will come up for you and you want to jot this down and then share it with your therapist.

Many things are written about Narcissism and there are even many wonderful movies which highlight this topic as well. These are great resources to utilize. However, the most powerful process in healing from Narcissism is transforming from child to adult in therapy. Now I am offering you this really great CD which has different tracks focusing first on the mind – holistic, than on the body – somatic, and finally, on the spirit – transpersonal.  Taking your power back from the perpetrator will allow you to have the life you have been holding yourself back from all these years. You deserve it!

Mindful Parenting – Eliminate the electronics

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings. Goethe

I went to Hoover Dam today (in Columbus, OH) and was absolutely amazed to see every single person on the bridge with a cell phone in their hand and their heads down. It was a beautiful day of mid-high 80’s and a crisp breeze was reaching out to us from the exploding water down below. In the horizon to the right were deciduous trees commanding attention for over 200 years or more. To the left the river flowing by with a few scant boaters in the midst. Many unoccupied boats sat docked rather than utilized.   As I walked by these people, no one said hello or even noticed that I existed. A man and his son, heads bent down walking, oblivious to the fact that other humans existed. They are discussing something of importance, probably a game they are playing via a smart phone. A bunch of teens were crowded around the building that houses the engineers and they were all gabbing about, looking down at their smart phones – rather than facing each other like men. A bunch of adults who were clearly together sit under the observation deck on the opposite side of the bridge, every single one of them heads down poking very quickly on their mini keyboards. A woman rode by on a beachcomber, right hand clutched to her ear gossiping about life, left hand on the handlebar. Others walk by had head phones on and were staring straight ahead like a zombie.

Dam in Fall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel so bad for these children who’s parents deprive them of nature’s beauty. Who have no ability to set boundaries for themselves, let alone are teaching their children to have no boundaries and to just ignore the world. Parenting like this is neglecting human connection and is creating isolation. No holding hands, no rides on dads shoulders, no talking about the boats and dam and what it is there for. It is not just here that I have noticed this and I am sure you have too. In restaurants families have their heads bent down over IPads. In cars, parents are on their phones rather than focusing on the road, with kids in the back watching videos. Parents are not attaching to their children, they are teaching them to detach from life. The violence level in this world is to such extremes as we have never seen before, in modern times and the stories we hear about the perpetrators are people who have been neglected in life on some level.

What is our future to be like if we are all walking around with our heads down ignoring life around us?